Monday, February 15, 2010

Take a look into my heart...

I snicker to myself as I sit here thinking tonight of God’s grace, love and patience. I remember the amazement that we felt when we first found out that God was going to send us a child… when we found out we were pregnant… then the joy to know it was a boy… then the panic of "How in the world was I going to give birth?!" Ah, that was something I never done before… didn’t have a clue other than knowing that water needed to be boiled and sheets needed to be torn… or so I was told in the movies…but God got us through and I don’t remember the birth… just the joy of our son….I next remember the joy of finding out we were pregnant with our next child… our sweet girl… then the panic set in again… "How could I love this child as much as I love our son?" As soon as my eyes looked at that sweet little face I knew the answer that I longed for… I didn’t have to share my love, God created a whole new section of my heart just for her… the rest of our journey of growing our family didn’t come as quickly (the first two are 2 years and 1 month apart to the day)… in my heart I always had more children… the timing never “felt right”… (then I got cancer)… then the joyous news the we were pregnant came once again… and so did the panic… "Will I be a good mom?"… "It has been so long…am I too old?"… then he came and my heart was full of zest and love and drive to be the best mom I could be… after him the realization of the possibility of adoption seemed so actually feesible… Chris and I always wanted to do that… thought it was such a good idea… but now with our 11 year gap between kids… seemed so much more tangible… the next “pregnancy” began… we began researching, then researched some more, went to seminars, read books, visited sites daily… and researched some more… then the day has come when we know our kids are out there… my panic this time? Well, as I am sure you have guessed by no it has to be there… "How will we pay for it?? "... "Will my cancer 8 years ago be an issue in preventing us to adopt?"... "Who will care for our three kids while we are in Ethiopia for a week???" ...(That we will travel to Ethiopia for a week and travel back with our two other children!!!) "How will we parent children who may not even speak English?"... "Will we be able to help them the way they need to?"... "Will our other children feel loved and secure through all of this?"... "How will we parent 5 children?" ... "How will we fit in a booth at a restaurant?" (ha.. OK the last one isn’t that big of a stressor, but it did occur to us!)

We feel lead to adopt 2 siblings – a boy (3-7 yrs?) and a girl (9-12 yrs?)… they are known as "waiting children" according to the adoption agencies… children that their age has kept them from being adopted… we know the real reason they are "waiting children" it is because they are waiting for us… they are waiting for their mom and dad to come get them.

If you had a machine that could calibrate feelings, I am certain you would see that my heart is aching… not a day goes by that I don’t think of our children… that I don’t search for a way to bring them home. If you have ever owned a pet and lost them temporarily... didn’t you search for them everywhere you could? How much more would you do for your child? That is where my heart is, I am in the “pregnant phase”.. I haven’t held my babies yet, but I know they are there… I know there are 2 lives that need their Daddy, Mommy, brothers and sister to get them so we can all be a family. The color of our skin doesn’t matter… I now know why God gave me all of those dark spots all over me (my freckles) it so I can match both sets of our children… the light ones and the dark ones.

Oh, I just can’t wait to hold them, kiss them and hear them giggle.

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